To this day, I do not know the reasons why my parents, who were married and living together at the time of my birth, gave me to my grandparents to raise.  But they did, and they only live a few blocks away from my grandparents.

So my grandmother had legal custody of me until I was age 12, at which time my parents offered me a chance to come and live with them or stay with my grandparents. 

I declined their generous offer, and remained with my grandparents until I left for college.

My parents had three children altogether, 2 girls and a boy.   My sister came to live with me at my grandmother’s house when she was about 1 year old; but my brother, who was born much later, my parents kept him.

My grandmother gave me lots of positive attention as a child, and with my parents only a few blocks away, my sister and I had to visit with them on Sundays after church.

My grandfather was a Methodist minister so I was raised around Bible principles and the church.   But for some reason, which I did not understand then, when playing childhood games with boys and girls -  I always wanted to kiss the girls as well as the boys.    

I remember being attracted to girls at an early age although I did not have a clue as to why I felt that way.   I guess I thought it was a normal thing that every girl went through.

As early as age 8, I discovered my attraction for girls increasing so I began to seek after girls who were more timid and withdrawn then I was.

By age 12, I began to act out on those feelings by looking for girls who would allow me to touch and kiss them on purpose without playing games

as a way for me to sneak a feel or a kiss.

In middle school I had boyfriends whom I was kissing with, and we would touch one another. 

In high school, my attraction to girls had grown even more, but so had my awareness and attraction to boys.  Being active in sports and other school activities gave me access to spending time with both girls and boys.

But my attraction to boys did not stop me from scoping out the girls hoping to get some sign that one of them was interested in me; and during my senior year, I found one!    She and I would talk on the phone for hours and when we could; we would drive to secluded places and have kissing frenzies.

Upon entering my freshman year in college, I set about exploring the gay club scene.     I was amazed and fascinated by the women I saw in the clubs, and I was so happy to meet other females who liked girls just like I did.    For the first time I did not feel out of place, or different.  Wow!!! 

At nineteen, I finally met “the woman of my dreams”.  She was seven years older than I was, and she became my first sexual encounter. 

During this time I also made a startling discovery about myself.    I was ruthless!   See, when I met my first lover, she was dating my best friend.   But since I wanted her, I did not allow friendship to stand in the way of getting that lady’s attention, and eventually breaking up that relationship.

My time with “the love of my life” only lasted one year, but it took me another 3 years, and a few lovers along the way, to get over her.

Through the remainder of my college years, I had numerous affairs with both men and women, but mostly women.   I tended to gravitate towards anyone who would give me attention.     In January of 1995, I moved to Atlanta thinking that there would be more gay women there for me to choose from.

I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour in 1997 while I was living with a female lover, and we would attend church together every week.    On December 19, 1998, I decided to rededicate my life to Christ.   I was miserable inside and out; and the relationship I was in had become a living hell!!

In February of 1999, I joined the Overcomers Ministry in College Park, Georgia, and it was during my time in this ministry that I had to come face to face with the demons that haunted my life.

Through the study materials, the homework that I hated, the counseling sessions, and the openness of the leaders, I was forced to confront myself, and my past.     Those were some long, hard, painful weeks and months!!!!

The training materials were not easy to deal with, and as hard as I tried to shut the teachers out, and fought against even listening to what was being taught; GOD somehow got through enough to teach me about who Lisa really was inside. Needless to say, I did not like what I saw at all!!

By the time I entered that Support/Recovery program, I had lived 30 plus years of my life in emotional and verbal shutdown with painful memories locked inside of me.    My closest companion all thought adolescence and into adulthood was anger. 

What was I so angry about?   A secret that I was not allowed to tell my grandmother.  A secret that I was never suppose to reveal to anyone.  But

in order to get healing, I finally had to speak out about . . . . .   Incest!

I was about 5 or 6 years old when I was incested and I never told my grandparents about it.  It became a deep, painful wound that would take over my life and it made me its’ prisoner with the guilt and shame it brings.

Once I entered Overcomers Ministry, I thought that I would get some help for sleeping with women and I would be on my way in about 30 – 60 days.  

But I had a lot to learn.   I had to learn that although I had lived in fantasy and lesbianism for 20+ years, being a lesbian was not at the root of my problem.   

The road to emotional healing and learning to walk in some wholeness has challenged every fiber of my being!!!!

I can now testify that through the teachers and counselors GOD placed in my life, I was able to get some understanding about what had happened to me that brought about so much pain in my life.    I learned that incest causes bondages to develop in a child’s life; and those bondages bring its’ own set of problems such as: doubt, confusion, fear, unforgiveness, hopelessness, and let’s not forget – Anger.

I have come a long, long way; but I am still a work in progress!

When I am challenged with something, fear or anger still try to rise up as my first line of defense.   But now I have learned that when I feel those emotions brewing, I MUST STOP, take a good look at what is happening, and access what the circumstances really are.   I have to determine if someone is really attacking me, or if LJ is too lazy or too stubborn to deal with another lesson GOD is trying to teach her.   

Choosing not to remain forever bound up, and jacked up in anger and unforgiveness means that I have had to learn how to face problems in a healthy way.   Instead of using ‘attitude’ to deal with a situation, I must use the Word, because the Bible teaches me that “the weapons of my warfare are not carnal (worldly) but mighty in GOD” -  II Corinthians 10: 4. 

If I will trust in The Lord, He will and does take good care of me.  I don’t have to live in shutdown, which keeps me lonely and unhappy.   But I do have to work on growing up and not ignore the lessons He brings my way.  I have come to understand that GOD has a purpose for my life and that HE will, and can use ever painful lesson to be a blessing to another man or woman who is also seeking freedom.