Testimony

"In 1997 while speeding, drunk, on a dark winding road, I had a fatal car accident. The car died and I walked away with minor injuries on the outside but the wounds I carried inside were many, and far deeper than even I knew about. A couple months later I gave my life to Christ.

At the time of the accident, I was an empty shell. My words were hollow; my self-esteem was so low I couldn’t remember if it ever existed, even my relationships were non-fulfilling because I had no idea how to give me.

The internal wounds I carried, were bandaged in ‘Anger’ soaked band-aids, and I existed in a world void of feelings. When I was not working, I stayed high everyday of the week (this started when I was around 19years old).

For most of my adult life I carried a death wish and did everything in excess: promiscuity, working, drinking, spending, and driving like a maniac.

On December 31, 1997, while visiting a church my mother attended, I gave my life to Jesus Christ and did not know I did so until February 1998. I remembered crying all day but thought it was just the fact that I went to church and was overwhelmed. Yeah right!!!!

In February 1998, I visited another church at the invitation of someone I knew and at the end of the service, I was asked by a congregant if I wanted to accept salvation. When I said “not at this time,” the person who invited me told me I had already accepted Salvation. Boy, was I surprised!!!

I did join that Church in February and a couple months later, September 1998 I made a phone call to “visit” a support/recovery program offered by the church for men and women who had lived in homosexuality, lesbianism and bisexuality. The purpose of this ministry was to help those who desired freedom & healing from the bondages imposed by their past.

Please note, I did not attend because I had issues. I went because I believed God sent me there to help them! My intent was to visit for a couple of weeks and I had no idea when I had my first telephone interview that I was entering a program that would become a living hell on my flesh yet at the same time, a blessing for me as a woman.

I lived 17 years in Lesbianism. It is not something I am proud of. Even now, just saying the word is difficult and my stomach still goes into knots. Though I am filled with shame and guilt from that time, I must confess that I enjoyed living in the lifestyle – after all I did spend 17 years there-. I liked the attention I received, and did not feel threatened. I felt accepted and safe, and I loved being amongst successful women who were doing their own thing.

As a child, a number of devastating events had occurred in my life that became the catalysts to my entering a life of lesbianism, anger, alcohol, drugs, loneliness and shutdown and I did not understand nor have recall of much of my childhood years until my 2^nd year in the support/recovery program.

Somewhere around the age of 5 or 6, I was incested by my father’s stepbrother. The incest took place at my father’s mother’s house while she went to church. I can also recall being repeatedly fondled by my father and though I don’t believe I was ever penetrated, what happened is considered incest.

I had no recollection of what happened in my childhood until my early 30s. That was when I remembered what happened with my uncle. I don’t know what happened to trigger that memory but something did and I told my “special friend” at the time about it. The fondling and other memories of childhood abuse started surfacing when I was in support/recovery beginning at the end of my 6 month period in phase II and even as the memories came, I had a hard time facing the fact that my father did what he did because all I ever wanted was his love and approval.

If I had any doubts about my father, they were destroyed because prior to my being in the program, my sister told me she too had been fondled. In addition to that, over the next two years during that time, I met two half sisters (his children) one of whom said he tried to fondle her and she moved out. The other sister will not have anything to do with him and has intense anger toward him. When confronted by one of my half sister, my father denied that he ever did anything to any of us.

Additionally, other incidents of childhood molestation from friends of the family, and a teacher’s son in pre-school, emotional abandonment in the home, deep seated root of rejection, being call names, constantly being criticized about everything I did not being good enough, feeling like I was a hindrance and a baggage all contributed to my living a life of total shut down, denial, anger and major insecurities. I learned to control events around me and tune others out. The draw back to this, though I did not know it at the time, was that I had imprisoned myself.

So can you imagine how I was when I joined the program?

So why did I join the program? FEAR!

I was experiencing a lot of anger and jealousy at the time and was told by a church member, whose relationship we will not discuss at this time, that God said that I was to join. I did not have much knowledge of God at the time but I knew on the inside that I wanted to be right before Him –not to mention the fact that I was scared that if I did not He would punish me or something- so just by chance she was right, I went ahead and made the call.

When I joined the support/recovery ministry in Atlanta, GA, I was a ‘saved’ mess who thought I would show up for a few classes and then simply disappear, which is what I was good at doing. But the joke was on me because those ‘few classes’ turned into 2 years, and after graduation I went back to become a teacher.

It was my opinion that the three leaders of the ministry at that time did not have a clue as to what they were doing and in my arrogance, I also chose to believe that GOD had sent me there to ‘help’ them. You see, in addition to all the wounds I carried, I also had a need to rescue and help everyone except myself.

I made it through all three phases of the program, finally, but I fought them and GOD tooth and nail every step of the way!!!! Phase 2, which is the second part of the program, was the worst of all for me and I hated everyone in that group, especially the teacher. Do you think I was a little bit rebellious or what?

Despite fighting against what they were teaching and the nasty attitude I carried and projected, something began to break inside of me. I began to see that the leaders really did care and loved the students, including me.

It was amazing to me that when I needed them, irrespective of the time of day or night, they would talk to me or just listen to me. However, let me not deceive you, their words were never sugar coated. They called me on issues that I was not dealing with and showed me things about myself that I did not want to see or hear about. One of the hardest lessons I had to face was that I was a controller and manipulator, talk about an image buster… here I was thinking I was an easy going, laid back person with a sweet spirit!!

I can still recall when my Phase II teacher looked me in the eye and confronted me about how prideful and arrogant I was. She also let me know that I always had to feel that I was in control of situations and people.

I wanted to reach over and nail her to the wall, but I was too chicken because I knew she would slap me back! I may have been arrogant, but I wasn’t crazy!

One of the most important things I saw while in the support/recovery program was that our leaders allowed themselves to be transparent in front of us. They shared where they were and how they also had issues that God was working on in their lives as well.

Those leaders taught by example, which allowed me to see their relationship with GOD in a way that I had not seen in other church people. Believe me, that was a relief and a blessing because initially, when I joined the church, I felt I was the only one with issues. Everyone I met in the church were blessed and highly favored with seemingly no problems. I on the other hand felt and knew I was a mess.

Those leaders were broken before GOD and not afraid to say so, and I decided that one day that would be the kind of relationship I wanted to have with HIM for myself. It was their transparency that also allowed me to begin to trust them just a little.

That program also taught me that my birth and my gender was not a mistake (my parents wanted a boy so I grew up feeling insignificant as a woman and unwanted)! GOD had chosen me in spite of the all the years I would spend drinking and smoking pot.

The need to satisfy the narcissistic side of me hurt people and they wounded me as well. The more shame I bore, the more masks I put on in an attempt to convince myself, and others, that everything was fine. But GOD knew better; and even more importantly, HE knew how to heal me and where to send me for help!

I learned some valuable lessons in that program such as:

1. God truly loves me and desires to have a relationship with me

2. That it is GOD and GOD alone who heals and delivers me; not my teachers nor man. My teachers made that quite clear to me and although they helped me, they encouraged me to always go to Him for answers first.

3. To not be ashamed of where I came from because no one came from a perfect life except Jesus.

Am I delivered from lesbianism? Yes I am. I no longer desire to be intimate with a woman and more importantly, I have learned about friendship and boundaries with other women without walking in lust and manipulation.

I care less about people’s speculations of my life and with that comes freedom and healthiness. I can take deep breaths of fresh air and it feels downright good to be able to breathe.

To get there, I had to face the things that happened to me in my childhood and understand how those events triggered the way I related to men, to my family, women, and GOD.

I had to face the walls I had put up to protect myself, why I felt that I needed them; and then learn how and why they had to come down. Talk about blood, sweat and tears, I died several deaths and have really been through them all on this road to healing!!

I am still working through other areas of my healing such as learning how to express emotions, to say what I am feeling without fear of being rejected, and I still have to struggle with trust issues, pride and my old nemesis, anger.

But I am growing, and because of GOD’s grace and mercy by way of the support/recovery program, I have come a mighty long way.

This walk of healing is a process, and I know I will be working on my healing until Jesus returns or I go to meet Him, which ever comes first.

It has certainly been an event-filled walk worth taking. I am so glad that I never turned back even though there were days when I wanted to drink, not to mention all those weekly night classes when I tried to find any reason I could not to show up.

It is with a grateful heart that I give praise and glory to my LORD and savior."