".....Growing up in a house full of women and children, I never knew why I was so attracted to men, or why I felt and acted different than other boys.   As I remember, I grew up with women all around me from my mother’s side of the family and my father's side as well.   Even before I began imitating female behaviors, I thought that I was suppose to be a woman like the other females around me.   By the age of 7, I was incested by a cousin on my mother’s side of the family, and it continued until I was 11 years of age.   I did not know that what he was doing to me was wrong, I thought that it was okay for him to do the things he did, and after a while, I even looked forward to spending time over his house.     Whenever I spent the night we always slept together in the same bed and no one ever suspected what was happening to me.   All the time the incest was occurring, there were no male role models in my life to confide in or look up.   My grandfather was drunk every weekend, so he was of no help.   My father lived only a half of a mile from our house, but he ignored me.    Thus I began to sit down when I used the restroom like the women in my family did.   Sometimes I would dress up in my grandmother’s high heels, put on one of her hats, and tie a towel around my waist and pose in the mirror like a woman.   I thought that GOD had made a mistake in giving me a male’s body because inside I thought that I was a woman.   I never told anyone about what my cousin was doing to me and I never told anyone about dressing up as a woman when no one was around.  I did not think that they could care anyway.      Even the kids I went to school with had began calling me names like “Sissy”, “Fag”, and telling others that I was gay and that I had sugar in my tank.    I hated those names, and when I went to middle school, the name calling only escalated.   I also hated myself because I didn’t want to act like I was gay, and I tried real hard to cover it up and act less feminine, but it didn’t work.    I remember feeling left out, alone, and never being able to fit in with people.     In middle school I began bringing candy to school hoping that once the kids asked me for a piece of candy, they might want to talk to me and get to like me.   It never worked!     When I did interact the other kids my age, it was always with girls because I felt that I could relate better with them then with boys.   At age 13 I was introduced to heterosexual pornography, which became another destructive tool in my life.   During my time last year in middle school, I met a man, who was about 29 to 30 years old, and lived with his mother in a house which some of the children, including myself, played in front of after school.   One day he called me inside and began talking to me.    I don’t recall what he said to me, but from the age of 14 to almost 17, we had sex every week in his mother’s house every Saturday morning, and through the week when I cam home from school and before his mom got home.  This man also introduced me to gay porno.   In high school I joined the band, got a car, but nothing changed otherwise, people still called me names and towards the end of my time in high school, two guys that I thought were my friends introduced me to gay clubs.   Thus my club life began.   When my mother had to work the night shift on weekends, I would sneak out to the clubs and not come home before 4 or 5 A.M..    I thought I was looking for a relationship, but all the men I met just wanted to have sex.   One night I met a man who told me he loved me and said that when he purchased his home, he wanted me to come live with him.   That was music to my ears!   However, that relationship lasted 6 or 7 months, because in 2000, I rededicated my life to Christ, received the baptism of the Holy Ghost and joined World Changers Church in Atlanta, GA.     I first accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior at age 13 during a week at vacation bible school.    But I knew that after the way I had been living, I needed to renew my relationship with Him.   But I was one deep Christian!!!    I would dance, shout hallelujah, wave my hands higher, and sing louder just to get attention from anyone who would look at me.   I was screaming for attention!    Sunday after Sunday they would give an announcement about a support/recovery ministry called “Overcomers Ministry” that was available for anyone who was struggling with homosexuality.   I would sit very still in my seat, afraid to write the number down because I thought that people were watching me.   I finally wrote down the number and in the fall of 2001, I joined the group.   Their program was divided up into 3 phases and when I entered Phase I, I thought the leaders of the program were crazy!!!   For the first two months, I would not even talk unless my teacher forced me to.      In spite of thinking that the leaders were crazy, I stayed in the program, completed Phase I and moved into Phase II.   That is when all hell broke out in my life.   That has to be the worst part of the program!!!!!   During that phase I had to face the fact that I had problems, and that I wore masks to cover up feelings that I had buried deep inside of me.   Feeling that I could not even express to myself.    I had to face the fact that is “saved, hallelujah shouting man” had major anger issues, along with an overwhelming sense of fear and feelings of abandonment.    I learned that I lived most of my teenage years and most of my adult years in denial and shutdown, and that the only feelings I knew about was lust.   Having to face all of those memories, and learn how to deal with them without my masks and crutches was like getting run over by a truck!  Then someone comes along, peels you up off the ground, and gets you ready for the next round of confronting my wounds.     Phase II was a real b----, but it helped me find some healing and discover who I was as a man.   All in all, this recovery stuff has not been a nice journey, but for me, it was a journey worth taking!   I no longer have to hide in shame about what happened to me, and I don’t have to wear masks to hide from myself or pretend to be perfect so that others will like me.    I like me where I am, and I know that GOD loves me and He has a plan for my life that does not include me sleeping with men and I am okay with that.